Entering motherhood I had so many questions about how it would change me.
Before Xavier was born I wrote this:
“Being a parent, a mum, is something I’ve always wanted and being your mum excites me beyond measure. I can’t wait to see who you are, share in all your big moments and watch you grow. I’m delighted you’ve chosen us to share some of this journey with.
But I’m equally terrified and unsure of the ‘what next’. I’ve always been a headstrong, fiercely independent person. A bit selfish, a bit fumbling in the dark and I feel like a fraud at this adulting thing. And now I’m about to embark on the least selfish thing you can do - become a parent and care for someone who, to begin with, depends entirely on you.
Now I will forever be someone else’s mum. I will need to consider the outcomes of my choices not just for myself but for you too. But what does that mean for me? My multi-layered complexities, history and the chapters I’m yet to write for my own life?
How do I hold onto ‘me’ while embracing the ‘us’ that is now our family unit and the title of mum? Do we lose ourselves somewhat in motherhood? Can I have both career, ‘me’ as I am and motherhood? Or do I surrender to it all and embrace that the me I know is being washed away by the wave of your beginning and replaced with someone new. Someone more. Someone who is the same person but completely changed?”
On the other side of birthing my babies and still very much ‘becoming’ I now know that all of the above is true. I am still myself but a stripped back version - more raw, more real, more vulnerable and I’m ok with that. Time has taken on a new meaning and I am more selective with how and who I use it and my energy on.
In motherhood I have found clarity in my values, what I’m willing to be flexible on and what I am absolutely not and the type of work and life I want to build for myself.
Instead of losing myself, motherhood has made clearer who I am and what I want.
