I can’t do this.
I wept it. A guttural sob as tears streamed down my face.
The toddler was finally asleep after a challenging morning. The baby teething and the older not happy that meant the younger was being held and consoled and given attention.
With every cushion and toy tossed at me I could feel it fraying my calm. Teeth clenched tight. Nothing I did worked. Because all he really wanted was me. My undivided attention. The one thing I couldn’t give him in that moment.
And I was frustrated as though it was his fault his little toddler brain hadn’t learnt patience and understanding yet. Frustrated that he couldn’t understand I had had no sleep. That his brother would be asleep soon and I would be all his. That I just needed a moment. That I was doing my best.
And I felt guilty for it. For not having enough in the tank to be more engaged, more calm, more patient. As though it was my deficit for not having that mythical village they talk about. Somehow in my control that there’s a global pandemic, and I’m stressed and tired.
Stressed because I have to go back to work soon, and I don’t feel ready although I know we’ll all thrive. But I don’t want them to get sick, and daycare is expensive, and rent has gone up and we might have to move, and moving is exhausting.
I’m bone tired. I fantasise about just sitting alone, taking my time to drink a hot coffee in total silence.
I long for that some days. Today. Today I dream of silence and hot coffee and not to be touched or spoken to.
I need a break.
But when there’s no village, there’s no one to tap me out, my partner working shifts, parenting, doing his best too. Both of us exhausted. Burnt out. The best I’ve got is a break in my mind.
So I turn on the soothing music that puts the baby to sleep. Wrap him to me and he snuggles close. I take a deep breath, close my eyes and I sway. I sway him to sleep and I sway me somewhere else.
Somewhere where the tears aren’t streaming down my face and I feel broken. Where things aren’t so uncertain.
And as he drifts off and the house falls quiet, music all I hear, I whisper to myself -
‘I can do this.’
And resolve to start fresh after nap time. And a hot coffee.
