Drop off was hard today.
“I want to stay with my brother today.” He said it so softly from the back seat I just caught it. My heart cracked at his small voice and what he was asking.
“It’s hard being away from him and you’re best friends, it must be hard not being together in a new place.” I try to validate his feelings before I let him down. But how do you tell a child he can’t be with his little brother even though he’s just a room away. That even though they’ve spent days and weeks and months together - best friends, playmates, snuggle buddies. That that time has come to an end a few days a week.
I’ve faced the heartache of dropping them off before but this is different. I’ve given them one another and now they’re being split apart. They’re each others favourite person and there’s no comprehension in why they can’t be together.
As we say goodbye he looks defeated. I know he’ll pick back up once he’s occupied with his surroundings. And I know it’ll get easier once he’s made friends and is more confident in his environment. His little brother doesn’t want to leave him either, he yells out for him as I pick him up and hand him to other loving arms. He cries now, trying to break free and get back to his brother, to me. I give him a big smile and wave, say see you this afternoon and walk away. Breaking even more inside.
I know they’ll be ok AND I still doubt everything in these moments. I know they’ll thrive with the socialisation AND I wish I could keep them home, together. I know they need to be in care so I can work AND I wish our society was built differently. I know what a privilege it is to have care available and do the work I do AND I wish it was easier sometimes.
Today is hard and emotional AND I know it will get easier with time. Today I’m giving myself and us all the grace and space to acknowledge that even though we were counting down for this and longing for the support, it is still a really hard transition for everyone.
I feel like I’m letting them down BUT I know I’m a good mum and they’ll be ok. And I’m holding onto that as we ride the bumpy waves of our new normal.
